Thursday, September 20, 2018
I've been stressing myself out with bad habits of doing too much of everything. Pressured by my upbringing that I cannot fail at being self-dependent. Self-dependency is something you learn early in life. Fortunate are those bastards who are born with the gift of a legacy tool-box; which includes cars, real estate and perhaps cash that can all be traded in for the latest iPhone, MacBook, Yacht dinner cruises and parties with friends in penthouses an Chateaus. Well, that ain't me. At times, I envy the highly favored trustees who can (and when they choose) flaunt their entitlements before the rest of us proletariats.
A Latch-key-kid, is a more befitting term that describes my adolescence years and life with my brother six-years older. While our single mom worked two jobs, I was busy being bullied and tormented by my older brother until I reached junior high, and he was finally gone out of the house. I had to learn self-dependency. Home-made burgers and tacos during the week and rewarded with the occasional steak. I learned to be mom, protector; care giver and how to lock away emotions; not always a good thing.
However, I am finding as an adult that self-dependency is like an old habit that is difficult to shake loose. Too much of a good thing is ultimately bad for you. At some point, you need to retire, relax, lay low, release. Thinking this out has even made me tired. I've always ended up in jobs just to make money, to pay rent, pay off college debt and to pay a mortgage. These are all anchor weights in life. At some point, you realize that they only provide a tentative sense of safety, comfort and stability, but not real security.
Instead of being a jack of many trades or a miserable labor of one; why not decide to hell with everything else for the money and do the one gratifying thing that brings happiness. It may not make money, but perhaps its worth sticking it out for the heart of it. After all, what's it all about -Alfie?